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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.