The Words from A Dad Which Saved Me when I became a New Parent

"I think I was merely trying to survive for a year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the challenges of being a father.

Yet the actual experience soon turned out to be "completely different" to what he pictured.

Serious health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her primary caregiver as well as taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I took on every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he reached burnout. It was a conversation with his parent, on a public seat, that led him to understand he required support.

The simple words "You're not in a healthy space. You require assistance. In what way can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and start recovering.

His story is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more comfortable talking about the stress on mothers and about PND, less is said about the challenges fathers face.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his difficulties are linked to a wider reluctance to communicate among men, who continue to absorb damaging perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing every time."

"It's not a show of weakness to request help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men often don't want to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental health is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the chance to take a break - going on a few days abroad, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He understood he required a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the logistical chores of taking care of a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, profound trauma resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "terrible actions" when younger to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the pain.

"You find your way to substances that aren't helpful," he says. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Tips for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling swamped, speak to a family member, your partner or a counsellor what you're going through. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the things that made you feel like the person you were before having a baby. It could be playing sport, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the body - eating well, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is faring.
• Spend time with other new dads - hearing about their stories, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising your own well-being is the best way you can support your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead provide the safety and nurturing he lacked.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, changed how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I expressed, at times I feel like my purpose is to instruct and tell you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am understanding as much as you are through this experience."